Thursday, February 09, 2012

First Anniversary

Dear Hannabert

One year ago today I started to think about packing a bag for the hospital.  I actually was finishing up my programs application to the American Bar Association for Paralegal Program Approval.  It needed to be complete and in the hands of the ABA on 2/15 and I knew I was being induced on 2/11.

You dad physically removed me from my office desk (after he taught his class) and made me walk out the door to go home and pack the aforementioned bag the next day.  It isn't that we weren't excited for  your arrival it is just that when we get nervous we procrastinate.

Auntie Anu came to keep me entertained at the hospital the night before you were born.  You dad slept a bit on a pull out chair/bed.  My water broke.  I got bored and got an epidural (yep, your dad sleeping and me being bored and his inability to take ITunes off of shuffle forever impacted your arrival).

The first epidural didn't work.  They did a second epidural which didn't work. The third epidural worked a bit too well.  I remember asking them if it was normal that my hands were asleep and then I couldn't feel my hands.  Then I don't remember anything other than not being able to exhale and begging to be intubated.

I don't remember how strong, wonderful, and calm your dad was.  He helped them put a catheter in when the other nurses were preparing for the worst.  I don't remember being wheeled into the operating room and I don't remember trauma doctors, respiratory staff, and neonatalists rushing into the room just in case something really bad happened.  I know that dad was with me the entire time and he never left my side.

I remember my dr. arguing with the other drs that I didn't need a c-section and that you were so strong and doing so well.and that she didn't want to take you that way.  I remember a nurse with incredibly calm eyes and dark glasses telling me that I could breathe.

I don't remember being wheeled back to the room.  I know that my dr. and dad had to tell GMa & GPa A and GMa & GPa B (who wasn't suppose to be there at all but just felt like he needed to be) what had happened.  I know that you dad was so relieved that we both were ok and you were still safe inside of me being a trooper.

I remember them all coming into my room and I was really surprised that I hadn't had to pee all day (thanks Horn for helping me out with the catheter).  They all thought that was funny.

I couldn't feel anything from my chest down when I fully dilated and was ready to push.  It wasn't until my dr. realized that you were stuck and now I REALLY needed a c-section did the epidural wear off and I realized that I could have gone natural.

To deliver you, I had to have general anaesthesia because the drs determine that with three separate attempts at an epidural placement, there was a hole into my spine which is what had caused my distress and my dr. didn't want to risk me having a spinal.

They let dad come with me to surgery, something they don't usually do when a mom is under general (no time for the privacy/protection screen) but he had been so calm and so strong my dr. said he needed to be there.  He got some pictures of your arrival.  GPaB came back and was the next person to hold you.

I got to meet you in the recovery room (you dad took a picture of you next to me in the operating room).  I cried because I couldn't deliver you vaginally.  I am still upset about that.

You had to go to NICU because your blood sugar was too low.  I don't remember much of anything that happened.  I can't remember when I found you were you.  I can't remember holding you for the first time.

I didn't get to hold you until you were over 12 hrs old.  I was wheeled into your room just in time to watch them try (unsuccessfully) to put in a gavage feeding tube.  That is nothing that I ever want to see.  You most definitely did NOT want one (nor did you want your glucose IV.  You ripped out your first one and chewed off your second one).

You were so tiny.  I didn't know what to do.  I wish I would have known to immediately unwrap you and hold you skin to skin and snuggled you close.  I feel like I spent a long time, just looking at you and memorizing your features.  You were so handsome. And little. And I fell in love immediately.

Happy birthday Hannabert.

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