Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Letter to 16 year old Me...Week 15


Dear Me:

Change.  It will be a sore point that  you couldn't post-secondary op into college because you moved out of state. AP classes will make up for it...not really although they do allow you to start school with 12 credits completed. You have a great group of people that you hang out with on weekends...always at your house. 3 of the couples will marry and start families.  You will still smile every time you think of your first driver's ed class when Heather C. turned to sharply and drove on the wrong side of the street.  Into oncoming traffic.

Trust.  It will take you an very long time to trust you instincts. In fact, you are STILL figuring out how to trust yourself. Practice makes perfect. Please keep trying. Don't give up. It will take you a while to really bare your soul to Horn. Best decision - your weekend pre-cana retreat. You didn't "need" it but man, it was fantastic to go.

Love Lost.  You will think you are in love when you meet your first "real" boyfriend in college but you aren't; you just want to see what the fuss is about dating. You stubbornly convince yourself that your love will require you to leave your first college. He isn't your love. His mom will tip you off that he is planning on proposing. You realize that you don't love him, you loved the idea of being in love. You are quite relieved when he moves to Alabama...even though you board with him family as you finish out your degree.

Decision Making.  Oh, you will make some poor decisions. Frankly, just to make poor decisions. I wish I could reach back in time and tell you that you don't need anyone else to affirm your self worth. You are worthy.

Motivation.  I wish I could tell you that to keep trying. Don't stop because you know you can accomplish something, keep accomplishing. All too often you know that you can, so you stop. College and law school would have been much much better if you kept trying harder and harder. 

Travel. You go to Europe. Once with a group from Roxboro and once with University of Dayton. Two entirely different experience (with some overlap of places visited). Your only regret is not going sooner and not staying later. To celebrate graduation (and the beginning of bar prep), you and Horn go camping for the first time in the Smokies.  Mountains and streams and quite soothe your soul. You just need to be outside. It is too bad that it took a move to Ohio to really appreciate what was a few hours away.

Love Gained. You will meet your husband in law school.  You will spend the entire first semester thinking he is a skin head.  In your defense, he does look like a poster child for Aryan Nation (can't wait to see the google analytics on this...) with his bald head and piercing blue eyes. He is convinced that  your roommates tried to get him drunk on your first "date." He is right.You will take every law school class together for three years...even when  you break up so he can sort some things out. He gets you. He makes your feel safe. He helps create Hannabert. Oh, Hannabert will be just a joy! Such a delightful challenge. His "so, mama, what did you do today?" is the best question that can be asked after a trying day. They make your day complete. They make your day. They make each day more joyful.

 Keep going. Keep trusting yourself. Don't be afraid to embrace who you are. Love the people in your life. Don't spend it looking out. Enjoy the people with whom you spend time. Don't worry about with whom other spend their time. Embrace your life, your faith, and your family

There are lots of things I wish you would do differently. Choices that I can look back on wish I didn't make. I did things knowing that I would regret them. I wish I could say that some of those things made me who I am and I don't regret them but I do.  Sure, not all of them but there are moments that I wish I could wipe clean and that is ok.  It gives me a reference that I can share with my child(ren).  Choices are tough. They get tougher. Be who you are. Own yourself. You make choices. Sometimes you feel like you don't have a choice because you made up your mind once. You can change your mind. Each day is a new day to be a new you. 

Love, myself

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